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Be careful for what you wish for … Hopeful suitor joined a computer-dating site and registered his wants. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Can I get that now too. Finding a good man is like nailing Jello to a tree. Sol funny is like an aphrodisiac sometimes. SMS number 2: Sorry, sorry, sorry, that was not for you. The key is to present yourself in a creative way. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

They offered him a lift and started driving again. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out! But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Relationship Jokes - Dating Jokes - Be careful for what you wish for … Hopeful suitor joined a computer-dating site and registered his wants. Her onllne was on online dating jokes en.

Perhaps it isn't just the way he tells 'em: A team of researchers believe they have identified the 50 best one-liners. Veteran comic Frank Carson has probably tried them all A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been hailed in a survey as the funniest gag ever. Researchers scoured the web and examined more than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 on which 36,000 people voted. In second place was a legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu'. Other jokes to make the top 20 include a string of brilliant one-liners - and digs at wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners. A quarter-century after his death comedy hero Tommy Cooper makes a strong showing in the list, which also includes gags by Peter Kay, Lee Evans and Canadian comic Stuart Francis. We have listed the entire Top 50 one-liners below, but for quickfire comedians in a hurry here are the top three: 3. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen! She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you. The study was carried out after a panel of eight comic critics voted the holiday joke by Tim Vine brother of TV presenter Jeremy Vine the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning one-liner was: 'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. A spokesman for www. He held the record until May 2005 when Australian comedian, Anthony Lehmann squeezed in 549 gags The Top 50: 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it. A seal walks into a club... Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone! A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 37. That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out! I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen! She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.